


53 Mistakes and Beginnings

by nflove



Series: Ramifications [1]
Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: Crying, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 01:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17992538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nflove/pseuds/nflove
Summary: Goff and McVay help each other deal with the Super bowl 53 loss.  They are sad and nervous but they really love each other.





	53 Mistakes and Beginnings

The clock hit 0:00 like a punch to the gut. Something about those numbers made it unbearably final. Jared wanted to sprint out of the stadium, run away from the blue and red confetti raining down across the Ram’s end zone. It felt so viscerally wrong. This wasn’t how the narrative was meant to end. The rebuilt LA Rams running through a season of glory under the leadership of the young coach, rising up to face the Patriots in the Super Bowl, seventeen years after the victory against the Rams that began the Patriots’ dynasty. The day that Jared had imagined for years was crumbling before him. All the thrill that came with playing in the Super Bowl, all the glory, all the wild daydreams he had as a child of this moment – he never pictured being on this side of the story. And you had to think you were going to win, McVay said it, Belichick said it – it’s the mentality that fueled you to achieve greatness, but the unexpectedness of loss made it hit ten times harder.

A few hours later, Jared sat on the bed in his hotel room, replaying the game in his mind. Outside, night had settled over the city of Atlanta. Occasionally he would hear shouts and cheers in the distance from drunk Pats fans celebrating the victory in the streets. He didn’t even have the energy in him to hate the Pats or to be angry at the world. All he felt was a deep burning emptiness in his heart. He thought about the fans in the streets and his loyal Rams fans who had made the trip to see him play. He wanted so badly to give them a Lombardi, come home to a parade, and feel the love that his city had for him. But that wasn’t how it would be; he knew this would be a cold, silent flight, everybody mentally tearing themselves apart for the tiniest miscues.

Losing the super bowl wasn’t like normal losses. In the regular season, there was always another game, another goal, a next step, something to rally around. But here, this was it. This was what you worked your whole life for - and didn’t get. And falling short hurt like hell. It made you feel inadequate and hopeless and just plain shitty.

It was a kind of ache that ate at your soul. Something you couldn’t sleep through or forget or ignore. Jared knew that it would be best for him to stop thinking about it, but somehow that felt like admitting defeat. And that was something he was not prepared to do. It seemed like if he only reworked each play in his mind, that maybe, just maybe, real life would be different.

As he sat cursing his every throw, wishing every play could have been better executed, he thought of Sean and a whole new wave of pain swept over him. He hoped with every fiber of his being that Sean was hurting even slightly less than he was. Realistically, though, he knew exactly how Sean was feeling. He knew his coach so intuitively; he knew how hard he would take this and that sent a pang of grief directly to his heart. Soon, temptation crept in and he did the one thing he couldn’t resist, the one thing he knew would hurt him most – he took out his computer and found Sean McVay’s postgame press conference, and clicked play.

He watched in agony as Sean took the blame for all of his mistakes. Sean blamed himself, his playcalling, his decisions. Jared’s heart ached. He wanted so badly to reassure Sean, to lift some of that weight off of his shoulders. If only Sean could see a mere fraction of the beauty of his own creative mind, the mind that got them this far. It wasn’t Jared’s place though. And Sean probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway, so he resigned himself to crying alone until his body could no longer handle the effort of staying awake.

At some point, Jared heard a quiet knock at the door. Of course, he’d rather do almost anything than talk to whoever it was right now, but he forced himself to trudge over and open the door.

There, with one hand on the doorframe, stood a tired looking, teary-eyed Sean.  
“Oh” Jared said softly, glancing at Sean’s watery eyes. Sean was still wearing his Rams jacket from the game. His face showed every ounce of the defeat that Jared was feeling. Lines under his eyes attested to the hours he had spent in late nights prepping for this game. His cheeks looked hollow and pale.

“Hi…coach” Jared managed, trying to establish some level of formality. This was business, he told himself, this wasn’t about him, probably about the flight tomorrow or something. But come on, ‘coach’ - how fucking cold. Jared was mentally kicking himself. This was Sean, the man he had spent hours with discussing footage in the tape room, the man he would sit behind on team buses exchanging jokes over the seats, the man he would run to high five after his greatest touchdown passes. He had sat in this dark hotel room worrying about this man for the past two hours and now that he was here, in his doorway, he couldn’t even give him an ounce of tenderness? He probably didn’t even want it, why would he even want Jared to see him like this? Jared’s eyes met his and Sean broke.

“I – I fucked up.” Sean said. “I’m sorry - I made shitty calls and - and I read their defense wrong and I should have used the timeouts better at the end of the first half. We could have forced them to punt, and given ourselves a shot to score there, we had them backed up in their own end zone and…” Words were tumbling out of his mouth too fast to stop. “…should have prepped our defense for the run, I just didn’t think they’d run it so much because Brady always pulls in the clutch passing in Super bowls and I just hate this feeling and I don’t even know what I’m doing here…I’m sorr- .

Jared pulled Sean into a hug. “Hey. You’re...an _amazing_ coach” It felt so inadequate, but the words he needed to express how he felt just weren’t coming out.  
Jared began to loosen his grip and step back, but Sean gripped him tighter and Jared hugged back with every ounce of his being. Sean needed this, and that simple fact made Jared need it more.

Eventually, they parted and took a few steps into the room, Jared gently closing the door behind them.

“It’s not your fault. We share the wins, we share the losses.” Jared said.  
“You don’t have to tell me that, Jared. I know I screwed up. I’m supposed to be the one that leads this team, and – it’s like this is a ship and I’m the captain and it’s my job to – to get us from point A to point B and if - if there’s unforeseen challenges along the way – I don’t know – I’m supposed to fucking foresee them! -“  
“You can’t predict everything, you know.”  
Sean’s voice was hoarse “I can’t but I try so damn hard to do it. It’s not like I just didn’t see _one_ challenge – I didn’t see _any_ and I sunk the fucking ship when it mattered most.” A tear crawled down Sean’s face.

That was the thing about Sean, he was so passionate and intense. He put his whole heart into every endeavor. He could start talking about something, a play, an idea, anything, and forget the room around him. It was a quality that Jared admired in him, but also one that made the losses cut deeper. And it was so ‘Sean’ to blame himself, of course he would. “I really don’t want you to feel like this is on you…” Jared said gently.

Sean looked up at him, his expression so utterly raw and exposed. He swayed on his feet, almost as if he was drunk. Suddenly he dipped his head forward, as if for a kiss. Jared put a hand to Sean’s chest, stopping him.  
“I – I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” Jared said, looking at the ground.  
For a moment, Sean’s face softened ever so slightly. He met Jared’s gaze and locked eyes with him.  
“I’m not.” He said it with such sincerity in his eyes.  
“You sure?”  
Sean took Jared’s hand and placed it on his fast-beating heart. “You feel that?...That’s you.” Jared blushed slightly, wiping a tear from Sean’s face.

Sean leaned in once more. This time, Jared gently placed his hand on Sean’s neck, meeting him in a chaste kiss. Jared squeezed his eyes shut as a few hot tears trickled down his cheeks. “Look at us, crying here.” Jared said with a half smirk. He leaned his head on Sean’s shoulder and Sean pulled his quarterback close.  
“I care about you…. A lot.” Sean said.  
Jared cracked a shy smile, reaching for Sean’s hand.  
“Come here, you.” Sean said quietly, snagging Jared by the waist and pushing them both onto the bed. They lay there beside each other in silence for a few minutes.

“Want to sit with me on the plane tomorrow?” Sean asked quietly.  
Jared laughed slightly. Of course Sean would say whatever he was thinking – he always did - and that coming plane ride was daunting as hell. But still, Jared found it endearing.

“Yeah Sean, of course.” Jared said. In all honesty, it would be nice having each other there. They had sat together on plane rides after losses before, but there was an unspoken rule that you weren’t supposed to talk on those plane rides. There was nothing they had been able to offer each other. But it had never been like _this_ before. Lying together in an Atlanta hotel room, each marveling at how strongly he felt about the other’s pain. Yeah, It definitely had never been like this between them.

“Should probably go to sleep. Its 3am.” Jared said lightly.  
“Oh.” Sean stopped, his face falling. “I guess.”  
“No, stay. Shit, you thought I was kicking you out, huh?  
“I mean…”  
“Nah, it’s cute.”

Jared crawled under the covers. Sean shed his jacket and pants and settled into the other side of the bed. Jared shuffled over to Sean, nuzzling his head into Sean’s neck. Sean wrapped an arm around his quarterback and for a moment Jared felt like Super Bowl 53 stung a little bit less.

“You okay?” Sean asked after some time.  
“I don’t know… you?”  
“We’ll get there.”  
It was a weird feeling, having your heart simultaneously so empty and so full.


End file.
